April 7th, 2009

Al and Betty met in a 12-step program. They were both recovering from an addiction—she from alcohol, and he from marijuana. Both were also in psychotherapy, where they had spent a lot of time working through feelings connected with having been raised in dysfunctional, sexually and physically abusive families. As such, they had much in common from the start. In the beginning of their sexual relationship, Betty said she had the usual feelings of being sexually exploited. Al reported having the usual feelings of anxiety, which caused him to be impotent. Only after they had been to bed about ten times was Al able to become erect, and only after about twenty times was he able to have an orgasm. “It was like I had to thaw out,” he says. “We both had to thaw out and adjust to each other. At first she was just this beautiful female in bed with me. She could have been anybody. I was intimidated by her. Gradually, she became more familiar and more dear, and I relaxed.”

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The wife keeps trying to excite the husband until she finds something that works. Then she stops, smiles, and says, “Later. Your turn.”

He proceeds with his part of the experiment. “Does this excite you?” he asks, sucking her nipples. “Not really.”

“How about this?” Licking someplace else. “Not really.”

“And this?” Blowing in her ear. “Not really.”

He continues until he does find something that works, in the process overcoming his own blocks to wanting to please his wife.

When they have both found something that pleases the other, they begin the next phase—which is to mutually please each other. Again, they should conduct this phase with an attitude of scientific interest. Something may excite them for a moment, then cease to excite them. They must continue to adapt, continue to look for other ways, and never become hurt or annoyed or impatient. Eventually, they will arouse one another to a point where intercourse is possible. After intercourse, they should have a discussion about what they felt and why.

Incidentally: A variation on this game might be called “The Challenge.” In this version, the interested spouse challenges the uninterested spouse by saying, “I’ll bet I can arouse your sexual interest.” The uninterested spouse will of course gladly accept the challenge, seeing it as an opportunity to act out spite. Whether or not the interested spouse can win the challenge, this version can be used as a means of discussing the uninterested spouse’s spite and his or her need to resist sexual arousal (seemingly at all costs).

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The focus on men as abusers of women and the blaming of men for nearly all of the problems of women is destructive to male-female relations as well as to the family. For if the buck is continually passed to men, then there is no possibility for a real resolution to a marital dispute. Resolutions can be imposed, but they do not last. A real resolution has to do with both sides taking responsibility for their contribution to a conflict, and both recognizing that they are capable of mistakes, excesses, and acting-out. This has been my orientation throughout this book.

Just as these writers misquoted statistics in order to make their point, many women misuse feminism to give themselves a moral advantage over their male partners. It is a way to control their husbands, make them wrong, and avoid real intimacy. Another related problem is that many men—especially those of the passive type—have become so convinced of the Tightness of feminism that they dare not do anything to displease their mate, and thus strive always to be politically correct. Even in bed! Often the result is marriages that are “correct,” but passionless. If everything must be controlled and correct, spontaneity goes out the window.

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He guides her into the bedroom, which has been converted into the bedroom beautiful. It is bathed in hazy dimness, incense is burning, soft music is playing, and one pink light highlights the bed—which is covered with satin sheets. And what is that scattered lavishly on those sheets? Rose petals. Hundreds and hundreds of rose petals. The bed is covered from headboard to footboard with them. They are everywhere! Red, yellow, pink, and white rose petals.

“What’s this?” the wife may ask.

“Rose petals for my rose.”

“I can’t believe you. Where did you get this idea?” “Oh, from a silly little book I found at the bookstore.” “I want to see that book.” “Later. Let me help you off with your clothes.” “This is too much.”

The rose petals usually soften even the angriest heart—and when the heart softens, the body follows. The husband should sieze the opportunity to shower the wife with a very attentive and caring dose of lovemaking, doing the things he knows will make her happy. He can utilize the rose petals, grasping them in his hands and letting them fall on her breasts and belly button. He can do fanciful things, covering her eyes with petals and then kissing the petals. He can also cover parts of his own body with them. (In the event that the wife is so hard-hearted that even the rose petals do not soften her, the husband may use the occasion to discuss what this means about their relationship.)

For most, the lovemaking will be a revelation. After the wife has gotten over her shock, she may be surprised by the kinds of thoughts and feelings—ranging from fear to sadness to envy—that are aroused by the experience. The husband, by letting go of his own resistance, will likewise find that trying to please, rather than distance, his wife arouses new feelings in him. These new thoughts and feelings will lead to a new self-awareness and ability to communicate.

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She: “I’m looking at you, and I’m taking responsibility for my thoughts.”

He: “If I want the sex to work, I have to take responsibility for making it work.”

She: “If I want the sex to work, I have to take responsibility for giving myself to the experience.”

He: “I see you and I’m having sex with you.”

She: “I see you and I know you’re inside me.”

He: “My eyes want to stop looking at you because I don’t want to take responsibility for the sex.”

She: “My eyes want to stop looking at you because I don’t want to commit myself to you.”

He: “If I really love you and care about you, I will take responsibility for each sexual experience.”

She: “If I really love you and care about you, I will take responsibility for my own participation.”

He: “If I really love you and care about you, I will look at you and understand that sex is not just for the moment but is an act q{ reproduction that is eternal and may produce offspring.”

She: “If I really love you and care about you, I will look at you and really be with you while we’re having sex.”

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